|
7:17 p.m. - Monday January 19, 2004
Back again... and i really hope I don't make this a habit..but yeah.
so today was.... different. and i apologize now. if you actually want to hear detailed stories of someone's life and it's happenings, you're not going to find that on this site. you will recieve only excessively and annoyingly vague comments that will only lead you to want to prod further to find out what it is i'm talking about. and i tell you now, unless i'm vague-ing on purpose just so that i WILL get a response, your prodding will likely not have successful results..... so stop reading here if that sounds like you. just to save us all time and effort.
don't say i didn't warn you.
so things are good. relatively and such.. and on a general basis. things are good. life is decent. school could be improved upon, but it works -- i guess. and i'm not overly stressed about anything emotional at the time.
things could be a lot better. a lot. and yeah. things could just be better. and i really wish things were. and while i'm prolly sounding selfish and greedy and stuff (not saying that i'm not, because i do believe that i am all of those things and more..) that's really not what it's about right now. in fact, i think i'm actually being quite unselfish in saying those things.
i hate it when bad things happen to good people. and i really wish things were better and that those bad things didn't happen to those good people. (and here comes the selfish part) i always find a way to link those bad things that happen back to something that i did. and it's just as you said not to do. don't think back and go over all those things that you could have changed so that the outcome would be different. and i said that i wasn't. and that i don't regret things. and generally i don't. but apparently i do now. and i'm sorry. if i could, i would have changed it. things shouldn't have happened the way that they did. and at least a part of that is a result of me. i guess i don't.. regret ..it. i would have those previous events unfold just as they did. i just wish that what came of them didn't. i just wish that all was safe. and bad things didn't happen.
yes, there's naive me. i just wish bad things didn't happen. though. that's not entirely true. i just wish bad things didn't happen to good people. i just wish bad things didn't happen to you. and if i could, i would take all those bad things. and make them happen to me instead. because although you don't deserve any of it, i see no reason for me not to take them upon myself.... ~7:30 p.m. 1:34 a.m. - Sunday January 11, 2004
See. I said i'd be back.... not for long though. and not very often.
the other night.. thursday night.. Jess came over for another one of her fifteen minute visits.. and i was on the puter here, doing my daily rounds.. and she asked me why i don't blog... i don't remember what i said.. but it was probably something slightly coherent and enough to satisfy any further questions...
since then, i've thought about it (no, not really.. it just came to me.. but i sound like i should be credited with something if i say that i spent time on it..) and i've come to realize just why i don't blog. (now this may sound really hypocritical as i'm currently "blogging" but. eh. i'm a hypocrite.) see. just coming here to add this lil tidbit didn't come extremely easy. because i'm writing here about something that happened. i'm sharing with all of you part of my story of when Jess was over here. and whether Jess minds or not, i don't know. but.. yeah. (i sware, i had a point...) umm.
see. blogging. it involves telling tales of one's life. usually. and there are a few problems with me doing that... first, the obvious. i have nothing in my life to be blogging about. secondly, (sorta counters the first, obvious point) i don't want everyone to know about my life.
my life isn't filled with adventures and tales.. i'm not involved in a whole lot.. i don't typically get myself into situations suitable/entertaining enough to interest most others.. and at this current time.. i'm even pretty damn happy with my life.
i mean.. i could tell you about how i went to the mall for two hours on Friday.. but who really cares. i could sit here and talk of the horrors of school and education and the work that lies therein... but that's a mutual thing. we all know about it.. and my specific experiences.. not all that interesting. "yeah. so then we started singing.. in French class.. and the teacher......"
as for the happy reasoning.. well. i used to "blog". of course, that was back when "blog" wasn't yet a word.. and ICQ was all the rage.. we played Towers every night, sat in groups at school, and had one teacher, not four. my "blogs" were pretty much like this one.. not tales or stories. but more.. general comments and thoughts on something.. back then, the comments and thoughts were usually with a negative air about them.. and filled with complaints, emotion, and a whole lot of caps lock.
and here's where i start to sound all cheesy and you all just roll your eyes because you think i'm making this all up and that i'm just going through another one of those phases.. but hey. i'll speak the truth this once and maybe, if anyone ever reads this, i'll get an opinion in reply to this.. (hint hint: email) and i'll know that someone actually read this and (depending on the reply) i may or may not consider continuing this latest trend.. but yeah.
i honestly did used to have periodic entries of thoughts and comments posted on the internet on a website. these were, for the most part, filled with deep, dark, negative thoughts.. quotes, lyrics.. threats. there came a time when things started looking up for me.. and a lot of these thoughts ceased to exist.. and with them, my entries.
for the past year and a bit, i havn't written all too much outside of letters. no journal/diary entries. not too many short stories or poems. and only the occasional "blog" entry. these forms of writing are my release.. when i've got the anger, the pain, the hurt inside.. i've learned to let them go through these forms of writing.. and so the lack of them, i think, is a good thing.
and now i feel as if i've said too much.. and i sorta hope that people don't make it a habit of visiting and checking up on websites that havn't been updated in eight months.. but i started this. and i'm going to finish it.. and i'll post it. and i won't erase. and i won't edit. what's done is done.... do what you'd like with it. think what you'd like of it. of me. and while i'd love to say that i won't care either way.. i probably will. and there's not all too much i can do about that.. but. Yeah. i'll just stop now.... ~1:58 a.m.
3:41 p.m. - Saturday January 10, 2004
Yeah.. i just felt like updating out of the blue.. so i added some quiz things and added a bit to the about me page.. and i'll come back and add some more later.. =) ~3:42 p.m. 12:14 AM - Friday April 18, 2003
Sigh. (technically) Yesterafternoon midterm reports were received. I'm not sure if i should be upset with me because of my marks or if should be upset with me because i hold thoughts of being upset with myself because of my marks. Now, if that makes no sense, that's fine. I don't care. And if you do (for some odd reason) read it over a few times slowly and you'll (hopefully, probably) eventually get it.
Anywho. i dunno. part of me is upset with me for getting the marks that i've got. another part of me is upset with me for LETTING me ge the marks that i've got. yet another part is upset with me for being somewhat okay with the marks that i've got. and it just gets really confuzzling. I don't get me. simple as that. i don't get me.
I WANT to do better. but i also have part of me that very, truly believes that once i've got an 85 average, all is well. THAT PART OF ME SHOULD DIE. really. i could/would/should do better. i think i've mentioned this before -- possibly not on this page, but at some point in my life -- that i think i might not WANT to actually TRY in school as i'm afraid that when i DO, consciously TRY i will not do nearly as well as i would have expected. that my "best just isn't good enough".
I dunno. As I said, I don't get me. And no matter how much i rant and complain, I don't see myself changing my ways in the near future. it'd require too much work and we all know how lazy i am. Sigh. ~12:22 AM 1:07 p.m. - Sunday March 30, 2003
AJKFSDGBohjeflkjsdkflSJIOWnvnskl. **blinks. Blah. Term of the day: procrastination. pfft. not even "of the day" more like.."of the life". That's all I do. procrastinate. and it's not even that i get positive things out of it. whenever i procrastinate..nothing comes out of it. its those times in which i DON'T procrastinate that good things happen. so why do i continue to procrastinate? because i'm lazy. because i don't WANT to do anything that doesn't very directly and quickly positively affect me. if i don't see something that'll come out of it that's wonderful, i simply don't do it. the example that comes first to mind, as well as most often..homework. thinking back on the last couple weeks, i've done next to none of it. other than those assignments that teachers do/will collect and count for marks, i've done none. And its after one in the afternoon on a Sunday..and i've not touched one thing in my school bag. sure..that English Webquest letter..the first one..sposed to have it done and switched with our partner last Friday. havn't started that. (then again neither has Laura..or much of the class anyway..but that's beside the point.) i've got an interview for careers class that i'm to have done for Tuesday..but i'm not going to interview this person until AFTER school tuesday. luckily, i've got a wonderfully lenient careers teacher (Bless you, Quinlan) and she okayed it. then i've got my careers action plan and goal setting thingy thing to do for next Friday..which is also when the good copies of BOTH English Webquest letters are due..and also the day (most probably) we're having our english TKAM unit test..JOY! the next monday is when the Summary of our poets' lives for our English CPT is due..as well as Careers portfolio. And of all of these..i've started NONE. =). Not to mention my day to day homework..Science worksheets on vectors..French comprehension packages for "le Petit Prince"..and the day-to-day comprehension/analysis questions for English..ain't i just the best? i thought so. its not even that i don't have the time. i do. i very much do. hell, i'm here rambling right now..i have TIME to ramble..i WANT to ramble..but i don't want to actually work. its a sad, sad, sad, sad...and confuzzling life that i lead. BLAH!$#@%&^@* ~1:21 p.m. 7:13 p.m. - Wednesday March 12, 2003
"Well I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too"
lyrics from Landslide..originally done by Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac..and **SIGH..yes, i AM "following in the footsteps" of MOE..i'm sorry, i tried hard not to..but i couldn't let the thought of a rambling about change go by..
First off..in reference to the lyrics..i find a lot of truth in em..and yes, i DO indeed, like that song..no matter how country-western style it is..i actually liked the original version by Fleetwood Mac..and then i heard about this new Dixie Chicks version..which isn't horribly done at all. but enough about the music...the WORDS.
afraid of change..yeah. that's me. well, i think i'm getting better at it..but yes, i'm afraid of change..i'm afraid of other things a greater amount than i am afraid of change, yes..but change is way up there with the best of em. why? because i've lived a sheltered life. i've been a naive child living in a sheltered lifestyle..and as Mrs. Bruce says, that's a good thing..but as all things, in moderation. too much of a sheltered lifestyle leads to a great amount of naivete. and when the child grows up and must become part of the world..this transition can be really hard on them. its a completely new experience..unlike anything ever before..and most, i think, wouldn't enjoy the experience. then again, like all else, there's the other side of the story..where experiences like that can be looked upon as great opportunity to learn.
but enough of that..the second line of that quote..'cause i've built my life around you'. hmm..the building of a stable structure..something that doesn't change..a constant in life. personally, i love having a constant, stable structure to "fall back on". of course, this structure can't always be stable..it changes..but you don't notice this because it most likely changes WITH you. unless you're talking about something more materialistic..like..your bed or some such. but that's not what i'm talking about..i was going more for the "stable, constant person" in your life. (by the way, this isn't to make any sense, or be relevant to anyone..ever. this is how my ramblings go..get used to it..anywho..) this is the person who is close enough to you that you can fall back on them no matter what the situation. the person you can always count on to be there..the one who you can take out a list of [positive] qualities and put "always" alongside most, if not all of them. i know what this is like..and i'm still not sure if this is a good or bad thing..i think though, it may be in majority a good thing. of course, nothing can be COMPLETELY good or COMPLETELY horrid. (or so you'd think.) i'm aware of that..and i've stopped making sense, havn't i? ah well..next line. (i love rambling =))
'but time makes you bolder' if you let it. some people refuse to acknowledge experiences..and i understand..sometimes its hard..to accept things. at first. after awhile though, i think, some things just have to be accepted..and looked upon as a good experience nonetheless. turn situations around..look at the positive aspects, the learning experiences. all that shit. and if you do this..time [experience] DOES make you bolder. you become more confident..you're more educated..more aware of the world around you and how it works..granted, some situations..okay, MANY situations make you more confuzzled about life and its oddities, but..bear with me. time can and will make you "bolder". as it will allow you to grow..as a person..if you let it.
'children get older..and i'm getting older too..' by "older" i'd like to believe that this doesn't mean older in the physical sense, but in more of the moral, maturity sense. children get older..they learn..they grow and mature..they become more knowledgeable of the world and their surroundings..i'm getting older too..not only do others grow and mature in the world through experience and time..but so do i..so do WE.
and i really don't kno where i meant to go with this one..and don't go thinking i decided to "read into" these lyrics or anything..i just sorta used them as a guideline as for what i wanted to ramble on about..and i'm sorry this is so long..if you've made it with me all the way here, thankyou for taking the time..you idiot. i promise though, i'll try to make sure there never again is another long rambling like this..if only you saw my other ramblings..just be thankful you don't =p. ~7:42 p.m. 7:26 p.m. - Monday March 10, 2003
So yeah. I'm here..again. thursday-friday was the sleepover thingy thing. tiring..much. **shrugs. was prolly worth it though. by friday night i was sitting at the end of the bowling alley rolling each five-pin bowling ball down the lanes..life rocks. slept in much the last two days..didn't get up til like..quarter to noon this morning. course, i preceeded to..well. nevermind. no one cares anyway, i still wonder why i even decided to update this. **shrugs. whatever. it's a time passer..and maybe, just MAYBE someone out there will read this and actually give a shit. hell, give a fraction of a shit. MAYBE..ya never kno. people surprise you. and many surprises are fun =). but Anywho. did volunteer hours today. two and a half. was sposed to be three, but nope. the peoples decided they wanted to go home and kicked me out a half hour early leaving me to fend for myself in the general vicinity of the area and wait for my mother and the sister to come and pick me up. after sitting in McDonalds for a half hour, picking at fries and sipping my hot hot chocolate, i decided that i must look pathetic, and so i finished up the foodses and slowly, casually, and deliberately threw away the cup, folded up the paper bag (and put it in my purse for later disposal into the recycling bin at home) and walked into the FREAKIN "frigid and brisk" air outside. but enough about me complaining. don't get me wrong, i DO love the winter. it truly is my favourite season. it just gets a bit..overly cold. sometimes. okay, a lot of the time. but still...i love the snow. its so purdy. and white. (emphasis on the white, the dirty snow is yucky..cars should die). so yes. that was how i spent my today. that as well as going on a cleaning streak for some reason. i came downstairs this morning and preceeded to "clean up" the leftover pizza from last night, walk idly around the house and pick up anything on the floor, put anything that looked OUT of place, IN place..etc. oo. on a completely different note. dad said i could keep the $45 leftover moneys from friday's "let's leave Dani money so that she can order pizza and shit for all the people that slept over and those that are gonna come over later on during the day" thing. dad gave me $80, pizza was $35..so i've got $45 in my pocket =). i love me daddy. Anyone up for a surprise present? I am! Anywho. something's up with me. i've gone horribly horribly bad. like, i'm partially decomposed. however, that's nothing that should worry any of YOU. so i'll just shut up about that now. and i'll prolly just shut up in general..yeah, i think i will. Snow is good! ~7:39 p.m. 7:12 p.m. - Tuesday March 4, 2003.
MOE! This is for YOU! BE GratEfUL!!!
Yes, that's right. That page you've kept asking me about. The one which I decided to create about ten minutes ago. =) See? I DO care. =p. Anywho, welcome! I have had this page for awhile, but with nothing to put on it, and so I've told no one about it. But well, now I've found reason! Yes, I have! (No, not really..) Annnnywho. I sha'n't promise much. Updates will come at my leisure, blah blah blah. Come back and visit, if you so wish. If you don't, eh. And this will not be much of a "recounting of events" type thing, but more of a.."expression of feelings, emotions, ranting and raving" type thing. I don't DO recounting events. I just don't. Unless it's a really memorable experience. In which I suppose it would fall under some sort of "expression of feelings, emotions" and "ranting" (if a negative experience) and "raving" (if positive, like..duh.). So yeah. Ummmmm. Enjoy? Ugh. That's like, SO Mr. Mullin. **shudders. ~7:19 p.m.
|
